4 Key Money Conversations to Have When You’re Getting Engaged

You and your significant other finish each other’s sentences, make each other laugh and can’t imagine spending your lives apart. Hopefully, you’re among the majority of Americans who feel it’s important to have serious money conversations as their relationship gets serious. According to the latest findings from Northwestern Mutual’s 2023 Planning & Progress Study, nearly three quarters (72 percent) of Americans think popping the question shouldn’t come before an honest conversation about money.

“The rules for relationships are changing in 2023. First comes love, then comes real talk about financial dreams and debts, and then comes marriage,” said Christian Mitchell, chief customer officer at Northwestern Mutual. “By a wide margin, Americans believe that serious discussions about financial goals should happen before serious dating. But there is good news for anyone who is feeling anxious: A candid conversation about money can help a couple to fall in love with the future, too. Finances play a major role in many relationships, and more partners want to be on the same page before taking the plunge.”

If you and your significant other are working to align yourselves on key issues that will influence what your life together looks like before you walk down the aisle, here are four key money conversations to have when you’re getting engaged.

What are our individual money management styles?

When you first started dating, you probably observed each other’s money habits over time as you got to know each other. But now that you feel secure with one other and are committed to your relationship, it’s time to have deeper conversations around your finances—ask questions about everything, from how you spend money every day to the experiences and role models that helped shape your financial views.

Maggie Baker, a psychologist who specializes in financial therapy, recommends that couples start by asking each other some basic questions:

• Are you more of a spender or a saver?
• Do you like to budget or are you more inclined to improvise?
• How much debt and savings do each of us have?
• How much do we make separately and how will this impact our shared life?
• Should we merge our accounts or keep them separate?

“Many people are afraid that if they bring up the subject of money, it will change the relationship,” Baker says. “But hidden debt or spending can cause the end of a relationship, in large part because it can trigger a sense of betrayal. It’s like having an affair with money.”

Do we both want kids?

Getting married doesn’t mean you plan to have children, but it’s crucial that you don’t make assumptions about your significant other’s desire for kids.

“When one part of a couple wants kids and the other doesn’t, it can be really difficult to come to a resolution where everyone is happy and fulfilled,” Baker says.

If you both see kids in your future, Baker recommends discussing your views on discipline and the values you hope to instill in them. You also need to talk through how you envision balancing work and childcare—this is an important decision that will have a big impact on your finances. Will you hire childcare right away, or will one spouse take a step back for a while to focus on the kids?

“It’s important to be honest about competing desires and to recognize that in a healthy relationship, there will often be compromises,” Baker says. “You need to work toward those compromises together.”

Where are we planning to live?

You may both have family living in different parts of the country and a competing desire to live close to them. Or maybe one of you has always wanted to rent an apartment in a big city, while the other wants to start house hunting in the suburbs. Or perhaps you are hoping to land a job in a different city, state or even country in the near future.

Whatever the reason, it’s important to discuss whether a move is something both of you are open to, as it will affect your cost of living and potential job opportunities. Even if it’s not a decision you need to make now, Baker says that it’s important to come up with a strategy for how you would plan to tackle this type of decision should the need arise.

What are our personal—and shared—dreams and goals?

Sharing your dreams with the person you love is one of the best parts of being in a relationship—just make sure you go beyond generalities. Baker says that it’s important that each of you understands the other’s long-term goals, whether those are personal, professional, or financial, so you can support them.

“When you get married, you’re talking about a shared future,” Baker says. “If you’re living with someone 24/7 for the rest of your life, then ideally you want them to be happy and satisfied. That means understanding their vision of the future and making sure you are both working toward a future where you can be happy together.”